Accept The Bad Parts, But Not Too Much
You will have parts of your day, from now until the end of time, that are ‘bad’. You will have bad moments. You will have bad mornings. You will have periods where your brain, who you believe is your right-hand man, your maid of honour at your wedding, the one organ who could never possibly do you wrong, stabs you in the back. Nifty little fuckers these pink squidgy things are sometimes. I use the term ‘bad’ here for ease. In reality, this is part of the problem. Anxiety, sadness, fear, worry and the like are black-listed and labelled as the ‘bad’ emotions. How can life be good if it is filled with bad?
Surely, in order to be happy, we must be filled with as much ‘good’ as possible, and keep the ‘bad’ to an absolute minimum, if any at all? Those who are happiest experience the most amount of good emotions and their thoughts are overwhelmingly good, right? Not quite.
It is useful to remind yourself that not every thought or emotion you have will be accurate, fair, helpful or considerate to your overall happiness. We tend to put our brain on a pedestal as this all knowing, ever-powerful machine that can never do wrong. But, while it can be fuelled by the stimulus we are feeding it, the end results it can produce are not always destined to help us.
Take imposter syndrome for example. An all too-common occurrence in many careers. Yet it is factually wrong. “I’m not good enough to do this job.” How? You applied, took the interview, passed the interview, the panel thought you were good enough, you signed the contract and here you are? You are the definition of being good enough for the job. Yet our brain can trick us into thinking we are not? I love you brain, but you’re not always helpful to me. Once we are confident that our brain is susceptible to these emotions, we can begin to learn how to manage them.
The simplest method of managing these emotions is just to accept them. That likely sounds quite blasé and oversimplified, but it need not be complicated. It is, of course, the hardest part of this skill set. These emotions are not very pleasant. We want to get rid of them as soon as we can. These are bad thoughts that must be eradicated instantly. Yet, part of this skill is accepting that there’s a good chance we may not be able to get rid of these emotions straight away. This skill is about understanding that to become happier people, we need to learn to sit and accept these emotions.
It does not mean we have to ‘give in’ to them, so to speak. It is like wearing a white shirt that you spill ketchup on. Unfortunately, the ketchup stain is going to be there, no matter what we do. We can throw a load of Vanish on it, run hot water under it or wipe it ferociously with a cloth (which we all know just makes it worse). The stain is there, and just like being hit with a wave of anxiety, it can often remain present despite our best efforts. But does this mean we have to ‘give in’ and completely fold under the presence of anxiety? If your shirt is stained with a splash of ketchup, would you go and tip the whole bottle over yourself because “fuck it, the shirt is ruined anyway”?
Absolutely not, that would be quite ridiculous. The level-headed among us in this ketchup fiasco would potentially understand that right now, we can’t do anything about the stain. However, if all goes well, it will come out in the wash later if we follow the right steps when we get home. That, in a ridiculously over-simplified sense, is how we can view accepting these ‘negative’ emotions.
Experiencing a wave of anxiety happens, as do ketchup spills. Yet in these moments, pushing our brain to its limits to solve why the anxiety occurred, or worrying that your self-help steps have failed you because of this bout will do us no good. Negative self-talk, lashing out at ourselves or others, or even panicking about the anxiety worsening can be compared to taking your top off and running out of the restaurant screaming like a headless chicken.
Rather, our aim is the idea of acceptance. You are experiencing a wave of anxiety, and that’s ok. These moments happen, and this is not something new to you. You can take a moment to consider why you’re feeling anxious, which is something we want to avoid throwing out of the window completely, but if some structured time reflecting leads you answerless, now is the time to accept the situation.
Is this easy? Absolutely not. Is it enjoyable? Absolutely not. Yet, accepting the situation you are in becomes a lot less devastating if we stop fighting it so much. Sitting at a dinner with your friends with a big ketchup stain down your top is not particularly enjoyable. Dare I say your closest childhood friends may generate the ingenious line of “Do you want a bib mate?” But ultimately, you know that it’s not the end of the world. Dwelling in self-pity at your clumsy hands will not make the stain magically evaporate. So, you crack on with the dinner amongst friends and enjoy the rest of your food, potentially with a bib this time.
And guess what? By the end of the dinner, you find yourself having a good time. Moments of anxiety or ketchup spills do not equate to a ruined evening. Of course, we can have periods where the anxiety hits us harder and we need more time to return to our neutral sense of calm. But it is worth reminding yourself that experiencing one instance of a challenging emotion like anxiety, does not taint your mind or health for the rest of the day.
While I am a big believer in normalising the acceptance of these challenging emotions, I do feel it can be taken too far sometimes. Often the advice is the idea of accepting that we are having a bad day. I do agree that sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us, and often our luck seems to escape us completely. There are moments where one negative emotion is unfortunately followed by a chain of negative emotions that are all out of our control.
Yet accepting that we are having a bad ‘day’ contradicts a lot of the advice promoted regarding the use of mindfulness, mindsets and other ‘happiness tools’. For context, picture yourself on the way to work. You unfortunately happen to be experiencing a wave of anxiety that you cannot shake. You have no idea why it is occurring, and it is lasting for an extended period of time. You feel sweaty and nervous for your entire commute. As you step off the train into the busy hustle and bustle, you find yourself becoming frustrated at the pace of your fellow commuters.
You are aware of some strategies to combat these moments, and thus you try. You try to let your thoughts come and go like a river. You try your best to see life like an artist. You take out your earphones in a hope that the absence of an extra stimulus helps you calm down. You remember the ladder of inference and how this can impact your thinking. But even after these attempts, your anxiety and level of frustration remain largely present.
Here, I argue, is a great opportunity to practise your acceptance. We cannot avoid these emotions completely, and while there are tools to help you manage in these moments, sometimes we do just need to ‘ride the wave’. Yet, would I suggest you label this as a bad day?
How can we predict what the rest of the day will be like? How do I know you won’t be graced by a moment of tranquillity on your lunch break as you bask in the sunlight trickling through the trees, completely eradicating your anxiety? How do I know you won’t receive a text of encouragement from your friend that helps calm you, subsequently dissolving all of your frustration?
I don’t know, I am not psychic. And neither are you. It can be easy to slip too far down this spectrum of acceptance, where you paint everything with the same brush. I used to struggle with this in the early parts of my career. I often found myself beginning the day with a few challenging patients, which subsequently rocked my mood completely. I became anxious, nervous and overwhelmed with negative self-talk. I practised happiness tools and tricks, but to no avail. I had a sound understanding of this model of acceptance, and I simply labelled it as ‘one of those days’.
Therefore, for all my future patients, I entered the discussions with this idea of it being ‘one of those days’. This shaped my behaviour and all of my interactions. I found myself preparing for what was going to be a really challenging afternoon because ‘it was one of those days’. I thought I was doing the right thing by accepting my emotions rather than fighting them. I knew that if I could just make it through the day, I could shake it all off in the evening and start fresh tomorrow.
Sounds reasonable on paper, no? However, this was me presuming that I am psychic and that everything that occurred for the rest of the day was in my control. Of course it was not, and I was often met by an interaction, a moment or a whole appointment that completely changed my mood. Sure, my anxiety and nervous emotions would last for some time, but rarely was this for the entire day. I found that if I could simply ride the anxiety wave while it lasted, but ensure I hop off my metaphorical and emotional surfboard as soon as the wave was over, I could save myself from tainting a day as ‘one of those days’ unnecessarily.
Therefore, the takeaway message from this section and for this skill is knowing when to accept. Once you have tried your ‘toolkit’ of management strategies, and your emotions remain, accept this. Yet, be careful not to paint your day, or even week, with the same brush. These challenging periods will end, and more often than not they do not last an entire day. Unfortunately, ‘learn to accept your emotions after trying your management strategies but don’t accept things too much’ isn’t a very sexy headline or book title. It’s much easier to say ‘accept the bad days’, or to name a video ‘The 5 steps to cure your anxiety completely’. They are catchier, sure, but they seldom encapsulate what is actually needed to formulate a skillset that leads you towards a happier life; which is time, effort and perseverance.
“If it was easy, everyone would do it”. If accepting your emotions but only at the right time, and knowing when to return back to managing your mindset was easy, then we would be surrounded by far happier people. But it is hard work. Do not let this put you off. It is hard work, but it is certainly achievable. These are skills that can help you for life, not just through your twenties. And so, any skill that can help us through multiple decades unfortunately does not come easily. Happier people are not free of despair, anxiety, sadness or fear, rather they simply know how to keep their head above the water until their feet are back on the ground.