Social interaction wallet
When I was younger, if I truly understood what the terms introverted and extroverted meant, I am confident I would have labelled myself as an extrovert. I enjoyed socialising with all my friends, I enjoyed new and different interactions, and I predominantly felt confident to speak to the people around me.
As time grew and at some point during my early teen years, I gradually started to shift towards the introverted end of the spectrum, for a reason I could not find. This intensified as I started to leave my teenage years and I have been well and truly cemented at this point since.
But what does it mean to be introverted, and what does it mean to be extroverted? Are extroverted people purely loud and confident? Are all introverts shy and adverse to social interactions? I used to believe that these terms were purely black and white; you were either one or the other, and they were purely based on your confidence in social interactions.
Of course, as I have since grown up, I have learned that these terms are a bit more complex, and they do not equally bifurcate all behaviours. It is useful to think of them as a spectrum, and contrary to my earlier belief, you are not destined to remain at one fixed point on the spectrum. Furthermore, I have learned that these behaviour types are not purely related to your confidence in social situations. There are many confident introverts who can ‘function’ at a high level in an ‘extrovert-like’ manner; but this does not distract from their innate behavioural preferences or tendencies.
One exceptionally useful analogy I have learned regarding these two terms, which arguably does over simplify their overall meaning, is related to coins which can be used in what I have named a metaphorical ‘social interaction wallet’.
If you are unclear of where you fall in the introverted versus extroverted battle, picture this scenario to help you deduce which side you may lean towards. I have found this is really useful to understand my actions and behaviour towards social interactions throughout my day.
In this scenario, you wake up with a metaphorical wallet of ‘social coins’. We each normally start the day with 5 coins. We then go about our normal daily activities, experiencing our normal daily interactions. During these interactions, extroverted people will ‘gain’ a coin following that interaction. Of course, this does not apply to negative interactions such as an argument with a spouse or through negative feedback from a boss. But during these ‘normal’ interactions, extroverts typically come out richer - whether it is through a chance for them to show their natural shine or confidence character, or whether they are fuelled by the chance to engage in a true conversation from someone else.
Similar to golden retriever puppies, extroverts are typically happy at saying hello to a range of people, and they can collect coins with each interaction. So, while they started their day with 5 coins, they may in fact end their day with 10 or 15 coins, dependent on how successful their ability to interact with others has been that day.
Contrastingly, during their normal daily interactions, introverts typically will spend or ‘lose’ a coin. They are not explicitly gaining any social currency from these interactions, and the interactions ‘charge’ this person for the energy needed. During the first aspect of their day, the introverts will still have a ‘positive’ wallet balance, and thus they are able to sacrifice a coin in order to generate a true social interaction.
However, this balance can creep towards zero and then often into the negative coin balance. This is when introverts are challenged and they may go ‘into their shell’ as the cliché goes. They have spent all of their coins on their earlier interactions, and they find themselves at a stage where they are truly depleted. Any further social interactions in this state may be avoided by the introvert, or they are cut short in order to avoid any further negative depletion of their currency.
We call all spot or know of a ‘typical’ introvert, as their actions when their social interaction wallet is in a negative balance are not subtle; avoiding conversations, preferring to be on their own, delivering minimal to no energy into interactions. However, not all introverts act like this all day. A ‘functioning’ introvert may be mistaken for an extrovert when their wallet is still in a positive balance, as they are putting in effort to that social interaction.
“How could this person be an introvert? They are always chatty in the mornings when I speak to them”, a co-worker asks. Yet what they may not realise is that at the core of these interactions, their colleague is actually spending a great portion of their currency in order to function at a social ‘norm’. Introverts know that in order to achieve a lot of the tasks that fill their day, they cannot simply go into their shell and avoid all form of interaction at all costs. However, this does come at a cost.
This analogy really spoke to me and gave me an excellent elucidation into my actions and behaviours. This was most clear when I spent a few days walking into work reflecting on this notion of having coins to spend. (For context, I would normally cycle to and from work and thus avoid any slither of social interaction). On my walk in to work, I found I would typically have a greater patience for the other commuters cutting me up or rushing past me, I would not feel depleted prior to ordering a morning coffee from the local barista, and I could better tolerate my first few patients in the morning at work.
However, on the walk back from work, my patience for the busy London commuter was nil, I would find myself frustrated at having to wait behind a slow walker, I would avoid talking to any shop worker when picking up groceries, and I even avoided replying to my friends messages on Whatsapp.
A younger me would have been confused as to why I was behaving this way, merely labelling it as ‘being tired’. Yet, upon waking up, I often felt tired already, but I could still manage and ‘function’ in these situations requiring social interaction. Whereas now, following an understanding of this coin analogy, I better understand that my wallet was often depleted by the latter half of my day, and I was functioning in a ‘negative balance’.
While I did not have to complete ‘true’ interactions with the busy commuters on my way home, because I was in a negative state and feeling depleted from expending effort to function during my day, my tolerance for even these situations was absent. I often found myself frustrated at my tendency to lean towards a negative mindset on my walk home, but I now better understand it is because I am socially depleted because of my introverted tendencies.
Unfortunately right now, I cannot magically shoot to the other end of the spectrum and become an extrovert, and I am very at peace with this. While I would probably prefer to be an extrovert and ‘gain’ coins from social interactions, I am merely grateful for having a better understanding of how my behaviour is shaped as a result of the day’s interactions.
I have learned not to ‘spend’ all my coins in quick succession, and I do my best to save my coins for the interactions that mean the most to me. To develop the analogy further, I have learned that completing my ‘healthy’ habits such as gratitude, mindfulness, exercise and yoga, adds more coins to my metaphorical wallet. When I am consistent with these habits, I have more coins or energy to spend on social interactions. This enables me to function at a higher level with regard to the tasks that require more social effort to execute.
Lastly, and arguably most importantly to me, I am able to understand my behaviours and avoid becoming frustrated at myself when I enter a state of social depletion. This insight has enabled me to take control of my actions and thoughts, and it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life.
So, if you are someone looking to understand your behaviours and actions in social situations, consider asking yourself the simple of question of whether you gain or spend coins in social interactions. I hope this helps for some more efficient metaphorical social spending, in times when there is a cost of living crisis that extends further than purely tangible goods and houses!