What are the things in life that keep you whole? What are the pillars - those solid, stable structures that help make up ‘you’ - in your life?
This week I have decided to write a short section on pillars, and how they relate to life. I found this analogy really useful to understand what was occurring in my life in my early twenties. It generated an amazing sense of direction for me, and it has been a structure I’ve followed ever since.
I like to use the term pillar because it creates a sense of support, of stability, and there’s never just one pillar in a building or structure. Now I’m sure there are better examples to relate to life, or others who have used this analogy better than I - but this is my take, and a brief dive into my confusing brain.
There are always multiple pillars to a structure, but they are also always finite. All of them will work together, and if one of them is overloaded - with a task of holding up more than it can handle - it can start to struggle under the weight.
Like a building in its early days of construction, as babies, we have no pillars at this stage. Yet as we grow, and build our lives, the pillars will start to appear - and the building, or ‘you’, will start to grow a form. More experiences and responsibilities in life will result in a need for more pillars, in order to distribute the ‘load’ that is life. A successful building will have it’s pillars spread out, to ensure the load is evenly supported throughout. Bunched together pillars limit the surface it can support above.
To relate this to your everyday life, I imagine the pillars as your core beliefs, values, morals and anything significant that makes up ‘you’. These are, in my opinion, invaluable to your overall happiness, your sense of worth, and your guide through life. They do not need to take one single form or theme - for example, they do not all need to be related to your values on politics. But ideally you will have multiple, different pillars that make up you - and the differences will help support a greater ‘surface area’ of life.
That is, when one of your core beliefs or values is being challenged by something - whether that is pressure from work, individuals, politics, stress, fatigue or grief - having other pillars outside of these areas can help provide you with stability. This can help support you in your bid to be happy, and provide support when life throws a challenge at you. Whereas if you are unaware of your other pillars, this one pillar that is challenged is at risk of being overloaded, and at risk of being unable to provide you with stability in life.
Part of the background to this analogy is based on awareness of your pillars. Without an awareness of your pillars, the building that is ‘you’ may struggle to have a functioning form. The real life application of this is the sense of feeling lost, uncertain, unsure in yourself - with the classic cliché of needing to ‘find yourself’ being used here. In my opinion, the ‘finding yourself’ aspect of this analogy is finding those pillars, to allow your structure to take form. To feel confident in the building that is ‘you’, you must know what pillars make it stand off the ground.
So before you can even begin to think about how to use your pillars to create stability in your life, you must seek to find them. Alternatively, you may be aware of your own pillars - but are you leaning on them during tough times?
My personal example of this comes from my early days as a teenager and into my early twenties. I enjoyed helping people, looking after people, making friends where possible, and ultimately generating positive relationships. I used to pride myself on my ability to ‘personality-mirror’ the majority of people I met or interacted with. I had learned this tactic from an early age, and I used it to my advantage. When meeting loud, noisy football lads who liked drinking beer and cracking questionable jokes - I knew if I replicated this behaviour, they would like me, and I would ‘fit in’.
I would carry on this behaviour in the majority of settings I was in, and it did not really have any boundaries. I would adapt my music taste, viewpoints, opinions and overall behaviour to ensure I ‘fit in’ and that people liked me. I thought, at the time, that because I was reaping the positive emotions of making friends and having people like me, that there was nothing wrong with this behaviour.
Unfortunately though, as time grew on, I found myself deeper and deeper into this cycle - without really realising. You could argue that I was obsessed with being a people pleaser. I would be frustrated or slight upset with myself if I found out someone didn’t like me, or if I was unable to mirror someone successfully enough to win them over. Of course, there were some people who I knew instantly I would not get along with, and I was normally sensible enough not to fight that uphill battle.
But into my early twenties, I started to find myself feeling a bit lost. I was unsure of what the root cause was at the time. Perhaps it was relationships, I thought, or friendships, what to do with my career, or my persistent worrying on what I wanted from life. Despite these concerns and all of the self-analysis I was doing, I still couldn’t quite put my finger on what this hazed feeling growing inside of me was.
Then, all of a sudden, the light switch clicked, and the harsh lamp that was reality stung my eyes like I was being interrogated in a mafia’s basement. I was deep into the process of people pleasing, agreeing to an activity that didn’t really suit me, when I started to ask myself the question of what I really wanted - or what I really felt about this. The answer; I did not know. I did not know what I felt, or what I wanted, no matter how hard I tried to find the answer. And herein lied the issue - I was unaware of what my ‘pillars’ were. Those core beliefs, morals and values that were intended to make up ‘me’, were somehow missing.
I knew that I had some pillars before. I was raised to uphold certain beliefs, and I had generated my own opinions on life over time. But like tyre tracks on a desert road, the absence of a vehicle consistently driving down said track, results in the marks fading off into the wind, with no trace of their existence at all.
I realised that because of all of this time I had spent people pleasing, personality-mirroring, and spending all my energy on getting people to like me - my pillars had started to fade away into the distance until they were no longer visible. I remember my partner Lauren asked me what I felt about a certain decision, and all I could do was bat around inside my head trying to draw on previous personality-mirroring I had achieved, to find the answer.
But of course, there was no-one to emulate, no personality to replicate, and Lauren knew me well enough to not let me mirror her. I was stuck in the desert with no visible tyre tracks to follow, to guide me to the answer. I was a collection of walls, windows, ceilings and doorways, everything a building needed to stand tall - just without the pillars to generate the structure that was ‘me’.
And so, from that point on, I changed my mindset, and started to work hard to bring those pillars back from their distant faded positions. I focused on asking myself those all important questions such as ‘What do you really feel about this?’, or ‘What’s important to you in this situation?’ on a daily basis. And lo and behold, in time, the ‘pillars’ that made up ‘me’, reappeared.
With their return came a sense of purpose, stability and control in my life. I started to feel more grounded, and I had a greater sense of worth. Yes, it did mean that I was unable to make as many positive relationships with people I encountered. Fortunately though, I was still able to make friends, positive work relationships and have people like me. But this was largely because I was true to myself and my pillars, and people liked me for me, not just a façade I had generated from personality-mirroring.
Of course, some people did not align with the pillars that made up me, and it meant I did not strike a lasting relationship with them. But I realised that there are only a finite number of relationships you can have in your life, so they might as well be based on strong, real links, as opposed to fake links created in a bid to win a person over.
Where am I now?
A few years down the line, and I find myself happier than ever. I now stand true to my values on climate change, on social justice, on how I spend my free time, my political views, my opinions on workplace culture, on friends, family, and the majority of things I encounter in my day. When I find myself exposed to a situation where someone is disagreeing with an opinion of mine, or they are acting in a way that opposes my core values - instead of bending to ensure they like me, I stand true to what I believe in, and I elicit a far greater sense of fulfilment than any volume of people pleasing ever could have. I may not have that person love or even like me, but I now have a greater sense of acceptance in these situations.
Now, when I am having a rough day, or life is testing me - I know what pillars are important to me, and what pillars stand true to make me happy - and I lean on them until the wave is over. For example, I know one of my core pillars that makes me happy is keeping myself physically fit with exercise. If I am having a hard period at work, I ensure I keep this pillar standing tall, and I continue to exercise consistently to keep this aspect of stability in my life. The rough patch of course ends, and I am left with a sense that my ship survived the rocky waves, because I used a core pillar to hold up the sails to see me through. (A bit of a stretch/cheesy analogy, but you get the idea).
Alternatively, if I find myself being encouraged or even pestered to partake in an activity I know doesn’t align with one of my pillars, or if I know it would test the strength of a pillar - I ensure I don’t bend to please others. I stay true to my beliefs, even if that means disappointing someone.
Of course, there are points where I am met with disagreement or negativity - but I view this as the normal winds or weather that all buildings have to endure. And we know that a strong and stable pillar will not be budged by rain or wind. Yet if we consistently bend this pillar, and it takes the form of dampened wood - the stability is far more at risk to collapse when it is faced by disagreement or negativity in the form of strong winds or storms.
Takeaway
If you are finding yourself feeling somewhat lost in life, or unsure of who you are - I recommend spending some focused time working out what your ‘pillars’ are. Spend time on what those core values, beliefs and opinions are. This will likely take time, and you may need to dig deep to find the materials needed to build the pillars. You can only uphold a balanced ‘surface area’ that is life, if you have strong, visible pillars that generate your stability. Without them, life can be more frequently hazy, leaving you with feelings of imbalance and uncertainty.
Although stability or certainty are not synonymous with happiness itself, these aspects in life can provide you with a structure to build your happiness on. Happiness does not necessarily come from the building itself, rather the flowerbed that can be planted on the roof, or the photos of loved ones that hang on the walls. Yet in the absence of strong, stable pillars that hold up the walls or the roof, we are left without a structure to decorate in flowers, photos, and the wonders of life.